An Email in the Morning

Dear *****,

It was all kinds of good to hear that you are doing well.

Go easy on the members...sometimes I want to drop-kick some of them, but I don't because I'm not a ninja...okay, so I am a ninja but you can't tell anyone.

It's funny to me that as missionaries or just regular old members that the act of bringing non-members to church becomes this all out HOPE and PRAYER that brother and sister so and so don't offend the non-members. It's sad that we even have to worry about that, but that's how it is...

I had a weird dream last night...for some reason, I was at a ward building that was familiar to me but I have never been to in real life...in fact, this ward building that I have never been to has shown up whenever I have had dreams about going to church. Anyway, we were getting ready for the sacrament and this new member brought two of his friends to church that day and asked if he could say some words to the congregation before the blessing of the sacrament. He then starts to go off in some weird Catholic/Baptist mumbo jumbo about the Eucharist and has his two friends touching the sacrament. Essentially, he was trying to bless the sacrament. Then, out of nowhere one of the members stood up (he must have been in his late 50s) and very loudly said, "STOP RIGHT NOW. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO DO THAT! THEY HAVE THE AUTHORITY ! THEY CAN!" And he turns and points out of the window to the Elders who are arriving a little bit late for church. The weirdest thing was that this dream was all in Vietnamese which doesn't happen much (ever) even though it is a natural second language to me. How's that for some spiritual badness? The room where sacrament is held in my dream ward building is located in a smaller Relief Society room that I stumble upon when I leave my current class to go get a drink of water...I always end up getting lost and I always stumble into this room where the members (who I don't recognize but they seem to know me) start chatting with me in Vietnamese. Interpretations?

What do you do during the day now that you are home? I remember being BORED out of my mind while I was healing from the surgery because I was not released and therefore was committed to continually dress like a missionary and keep my mission rules. I even got to the point that I opened up the Ogden phonebook to look for Vietnamese people I could contact. I would also go on errands with my friend's mom. It was already weird to be staying in my friend's room while he was on his mission but going out in public with his mom must have been a sight...an Asian kid dressed up as a missionary with a name tag that was impossible to pronounce going around for groceries with a middle aged Caucasian woman.

Looking back, I'm glad I had someone around though. I've always had this irrational fear that Satan would come for my soul and I wouldn't be able to repel him so I always felt safer when my companion was nearby on the mission. Being home in Ogden was a bit scary as I slept downstairs and my friend's parents slept upstairs. Even when I finished the mission it took some time to get used to...I didn't get released the night I got home because I had hit some delays before getting to California so I wasn't released til the next evening. That morning, my mom and I went to the grocery store and since I was still a missionary, I dressed up in my proselyting clothes and went with her. I remember walking down an aisle and realizing that my mom was not next to me--I'm embarrassed to say that I nearly panicked.

Oh, before I forget, I wanted to tell you to continue to seek after spiritual experiences while you are home. For me, back in mission times and right now, things that don't go my way sure feel like setbacks but I've had to painstakingly build the mentality and humility to understand that these were not setbacks but different conditions in which I could still find that God was there; does that make sense?

No lie here...it would be way awesome if you came up for the semester...well more selfishly than not, for me, it would be fun to have you around again but this isn't about fun or about me so ignore this paragraph.

After the *************** with the subsequent ******** from BYU, I rationalized that I would find a job full-time and wait for the year to pass and then reapply to BYU. I then remembered that I didn't come to UT to work but to go to school so I enrolled in UVSC. I'm glad I made the choice because it keeps me busy and the time and effort I put in makes everything very enjoyable. Most of all, however, I'm glad I didn't decide to go back home to CA. My support group is here but it's different for everyone. Some people still have lots of close friends from high school and such but for me, that kind of all went away when I joined the Church. I love my family dearly. They have come to mean so much to me as of the last year and as much as it kind of painful to say (especially for my mom), I prefer my apt here in Provo because it is home...this is where I am safe...this is where my support group is...this is where I can heal. Just remember that. Wherever you decide to go to wait it out, make sure that there is a support group of good people...from what it sounds like from you and your little brother, Michael, it seems that your family provides not only support but that sense of home that everyone needs to have fulfilled in their lives.

Holy crap! That sounded a little too wise for me to be saying...

Well, it's my day off from school but I still have homework. I just wanted to make sure I wrote you this morning because you were on my mind after I prayed last night. Here's the last two verses I read and marked before I went to bed: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself" (3 Nephi 13:33-34).

I continue to hope and pray for your welfare.

As always, please let me know if you need anything.

Give me a call sometime.

Love from your Asian brother,
Mike "We can use the flaming arrows now!" Nguyen

P.S. I have a question for you...in Ether 12:27, Ether presents a paradox: the closer we come to Christ, the more weaknesses or flaws He will make apparent...initially, it sounds like a horrible deal because why would you want to have more of your imperfections and such pointed out? In my personal life, the question is sometimes phrased like this: why did you bring the gospel into my life when it was still going to be this hard...wouldn't it have been better if I just remained in ignorance and get taken care of in the Millennium...you say to come unto you, especially those who are heavily burdened, but how can you make such an invitation if coming unto you will just mean more weights and burdens?

Well, for two reasons.

Christ gives us weaknesses because we need weaknesses to come back to Heavenly Father. Okay, that still sounds unfair but weaknesses and overcoming weaknesses are essential as Paul explains in 2 Cor 12:9-11. He begins by quoting a comment from Christ, "My grace is sufficient for thee..." He then continues to expound on that little piece of doctrine saying in an almost if-then statement--if Christ's grace is sufficient for me, then what?--the following, "For my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. I am become a fool in glorying..."

First impression: Paul is a glutton for punishment. He is a teacher's pet who brings a Washington Red apple to school everyday for his teacher and that teacher is made up of parts trials, parts Paul's weaknesses (both known or not known but soon to be known), parts temptations, and triple parts adversity--her voice is also very wheezy when she teaches and she often spits onto the overhead projector when she puts equations on the transparencies during math so in the spirit of math, you often tally up the number of spit particles that hit the projection surface.

I digress...I actually have a point and that is Paul's attitude is reflective of the testimony he has in Christ. He doesn't flinch when he draws closer to Him because he knows that to be perfected, his personal imperfections will have to be brought out by Christ besides, how do you perfect the someone who is already perfect? If we are perfect, it means we don't need the atonement. So, we are imperfect...hopelessly so?

No, not so.

Paul doesn't wallow because at the same time, he also believes strongly in Christ's promise that His grace is sufficient, that the weak things will indeed become strong. Paul understands the paradox that as he draws closer to Christ, Christ will in turn draw closer to him. And therein the way is prepared as Christ is there to help, love, and support when we are exposed to our weaknesses.

So...where is the question?

I have often conceptualized Ether 12:27 rather erroneously as I think about weak things becoming strong like someone who doesn't have a testimony of tithing but puts the idea to test and receives a confirmation of the law of tithing...and then he goes around in his life and in stake-circuits to give talks about tithing.

While the scenario I have presented could actually happen, it is rooted in spiritual trials. People who are substance abusers or dependent on substance can also turn weakness into strength. However, what about the weaknesses that are overwhelmingly crippling at times like mental health issues including depression and anxiety? How can we make that into a strength? Is it even possible?