So, I carry around with me this little black notebook called a Moleskine which is the same kind of little notebook carried about by the likes of Hemingway. I keep telling myself that the notes I jot down amount to something because it's in the Moleskine--like the quality of the paper and the famousness of the notebook will lift up my words into the higher echelons of English literature...the truth is, I haven't been carrying it around with me so I don't put down those million dollar thoughts anywhere anymore but I do have a last entry written months ago which I will dispense here like candy on Halloween (the good kind...not Tootsie Roll crap):
"How does the uncertainty of life not drive you crazy when there are no guarantees, no definitive anything to how things turn out...no security in a reality to which we can turn for surety...some people thrive under this kind of pressure but I can't resist the temptation to give in to the fear and let the weight roll over me and keep my in check, frozen in a state of paralysis from which chains there is no way to break free from nor to enlist the safety of freedom. Perhaps this is where hope and faith come into play: main characters on a stage though they've been reduced and recast to stage props and background scenery drapes. Therein the uncomfortable feeling of unfamiliarity, realizing there is a bigger plot device that has gone embarrassingly undetected by such a theater patron connoisseur who watches from the snooty balcony with old fashioned binoculars that are a spectacle themselves. And suddenly from the shadows, a shot to the head and chaos oddly becomes more familiar and connected than life a mere two seconds prior."
I just reread this and have come to terms that this was a jumbled mess of depression and lack of control in my life--like how I feel after eating at Costa Vida.
It's now 4:34am and I need sleep but it eludes me like breathing after climbing up the three flights of stairs to my apartment.
(Wow...I need to reread and edit some grammar problems...it is early)
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